Thank you so much for sharing how you’ve struggled with work guilt, Lainey. I’m going to guess I’m like a lot of people here who have a hard time with people pleasing and disappointing others and feeling like I’m not pulling my weight when I’m taking (a deserved) break. I recently broke into tears when I had to say no to something a frie…
Thank you so much for sharing how you’ve struggled with work guilt, Lainey. I’m going to guess I’m like a lot of people here who have a hard time with people pleasing and disappointing others and feeling like I’m not pulling my weight when I’m taking (a deserved) break. I recently broke into tears when I had to say no to something a friend and colleague asked me to do. I felt so guilty and worried about letting down someone I respect and care about. And then I also took it a step further and beat myself up for being such a “baby” about saying no! I can’t believe I am 41 years old and still have a hard time with this shit! So it helps to hear someone I respect (you) share your own experience with work guilt and to hear that we can get better at shaking it off, if not avoiding it completely.
I know nothing about your colleague, but I will say that if someone did that to me that would also be a gift. Because you giving yourself permission to say no demonstrates to others that they should do it too. I have a boss who doesn’t work while on vacation and it is a fantastic leadership moment. So even if I really needed the help, I would be excited about someone normalizing setting a boundary (which I struggle with too!)
Asking for help is big for me. And I realised eventually it's a function of perfectionism - and on that note, I did an interview a couple of years ago with an Indigenous artist who told me "perfectionism is a function of white supremacy". It basically upholds impossible standards that entrench the status quo. This was life-changing for me. I'm way better at asking for help now, and that means sharing the work. I ask Sarah for help all the time, lol. She's helping me right now!
I have so much to say on work guilt front but all I’ll add is that it took me two concussions in six months and trying to work through recovery before I realized I actually couldn’t recover from it without being off work -- and when I did, it wasn’t the end of the world and I wasn’t the only one who could do the work (or it got done differently or surprise surprise the work didn’t get done and that was ok too). I had always struggled with feeling like I was the work hero/martyr until a doctor told me I had to take time off. And when I returned, I had to return gradually and for the first time in my 15 year career learn to have boundaries and say “no”. I have since left the (paid) workforce for family priorities and even now I have to continually remind myself not to feel shame about the decision -- and read into other people’s questions or comments about my life change that it doesn’t mean I’m “less than”. It’s been hardwired for so long it can be so difficult to untangle. I appreciate this conversation a lot and I wonder when it is less up to individuals and more up to society, large company culture and real change in perspectives about mental health and work life harmony vs. Lip service to tip the scales where people can be more detached from the strain of work guilt.
Thank you so much for sharing how you’ve struggled with work guilt, Lainey. I’m going to guess I’m like a lot of people here who have a hard time with people pleasing and disappointing others and feeling like I’m not pulling my weight when I’m taking (a deserved) break. I recently broke into tears when I had to say no to something a friend and colleague asked me to do. I felt so guilty and worried about letting down someone I respect and care about. And then I also took it a step further and beat myself up for being such a “baby” about saying no! I can’t believe I am 41 years old and still have a hard time with this shit! So it helps to hear someone I respect (you) share your own experience with work guilt and to hear that we can get better at shaking it off, if not avoiding it completely.
I know nothing about your colleague, but I will say that if someone did that to me that would also be a gift. Because you giving yourself permission to say no demonstrates to others that they should do it too. I have a boss who doesn’t work while on vacation and it is a fantastic leadership moment. So even if I really needed the help, I would be excited about someone normalizing setting a boundary (which I struggle with too!)
Asking for help is big for me. And I realised eventually it's a function of perfectionism - and on that note, I did an interview a couple of years ago with an Indigenous artist who told me "perfectionism is a function of white supremacy". It basically upholds impossible standards that entrench the status quo. This was life-changing for me. I'm way better at asking for help now, and that means sharing the work. I ask Sarah for help all the time, lol. She's helping me right now!
Thank you, Nadya! That’s such a wise way to reframe it!
I have so much to say on work guilt front but all I’ll add is that it took me two concussions in six months and trying to work through recovery before I realized I actually couldn’t recover from it without being off work -- and when I did, it wasn’t the end of the world and I wasn’t the only one who could do the work (or it got done differently or surprise surprise the work didn’t get done and that was ok too). I had always struggled with feeling like I was the work hero/martyr until a doctor told me I had to take time off. And when I returned, I had to return gradually and for the first time in my 15 year career learn to have boundaries and say “no”. I have since left the (paid) workforce for family priorities and even now I have to continually remind myself not to feel shame about the decision -- and read into other people’s questions or comments about my life change that it doesn’t mean I’m “less than”. It’s been hardwired for so long it can be so difficult to untangle. I appreciate this conversation a lot and I wonder when it is less up to individuals and more up to society, large company culture and real change in perspectives about mental health and work life harmony vs. Lip service to tip the scales where people can be more detached from the strain of work guilt.